Psalm 51

 “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:1-19‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’ve been reading through the Psalms with Avalyn each time it’s my night to get her to sleep. This evening we got to Psalm 51, which has become one of my favorites over the years. This dates back to undergraduate where I was part of the choir at First Baptist Georgetown and we would sing a beautiful choral arrangement of this piece. When I read it, I still go through the vocal arrangement of the song, not necessarily the written words in the Bible. 

There are so many portions of this passage that get referenced and rightly so. What keeps jumping out to me now, though, is less taught. Less focused on, at least from my reflection. 

Verse 16 seems to perfectly encapsulate one of the great struggles that we have in our lives. “For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;”. A recognition of that pattern where we have tried to bargain with God to let us feel right with him, but still keep doing what we want. “All I have to do is just bring a sacrifice to the altar and then I can do what I want. I don’t have to change anything else.”  David recognizes this pattern we can get into of wanting to do something for our salvation, wanting to do something to feel better about our lives, but not being willing to make the change that God really wants. Because the truth is that a physical sacrifice could be less costly. But rather,  “You do not delight in burnt offering.” 

That is not what God wants from us. What God wants is much more costly. It costs us everything. For us to recognize how broken we are, to admit how broken we are, and to ask him, to allow him to fix it. That is subsequently the sacrifice of least physical value and most taxing cost. 

We get this reminder throughout scripture. “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”  This verse quoted by Jesus is another of my favorites. Part of that idea that while we are to be working out our salvation and participating in good works, that is not ultimately what God desires of us. He desires our humility, he desires us to be loving, he desires us to be merciful. For these are the qualities that He has displayed to us. 

It’s a good reminder both for when I get too overwhelmed I’m doing things for God and for when I get too caught up in myself, trying to keep doing things my own way. 

Purge me, wash me, restore my joy. 

When Change is Forced Upon You

The fear of change seems to be a universal part of the human experience.  I think it's largely because of the lack of control that it represents.  Even in situations where we arguably choose the change that is coming, we still often face it with some level of fear.  Fear of making the wrong choice, fear of failure, fear of the future.  Fear of the unknown.

All these fears are exacerbated when the change is forced upon you.  When the agent of change is out of your control.  By the actions of other people.  By the government.  By nature.  By God.   These are often the biggest changes.  Illness, death, crisis.

Please note, in all the above, I've made no distinction between whether the change is negative or positive.  It often makes no difference.  A positive change can often be as scary as a negative one, simply because we cannot see the outcome at the outset.  Likewise, often the most necessary changes, the most beneficial changes to our lives can be often those feared the most, because they have the most on the line.  They require us to take a step of faith.  To take a step into the unknown, to roll the dice, and take a chance.  And that often requires leaving a place of comfort and stability, to move on to something greater.

I was fired Wednesday evening from a job that I have held for over ten years now.  In truth, it's probably a company and a position I should have left some time ago, but I kept at it because of comfort, stability, grit, and a sense of loyalty.  I believed in what the company could and should be, and I still do.  And there are people there that I would still fight to the end for and beside.

I don't really want to take up any space here with writing about the firing or the events/reasons given surrounding it.  There's nothing good that would come of it.  There's no change that would be affected.  I would rather focus on the point that I've come to.

After dealing with the initial shock, I've come to realize that this is a change that has been forced on me because I didn't leave earlier and probably when I should have.  It's a clearing of the deck and a preparation for a new adventure.  A new opportunity.  And hopefully, potentially, something big.

Jamie and I had already been preparing to move.  We were looking to move closer to the office in Richardson to cut down on the 110 miles that I put on the car every day and the 2-3 hour commute roundtrip that I made.  Jamie was looking for a transition after 11 years at Wills Point High School and we wanted to be closer together with the kids at such a great developmental time.

Jamie was also looking for a break.  Something different than teaching for a little bit for a refreshing. A sabbatical.  She initially thought of taking it a year or two after we moved, but about March, we had come to realize that it would make the most sense for her to take it now.  For us to have a transition year or so, where she took the sabbatical, we moved closer and then had a lot of time to find the right place in the DFW area for us to put down roots and then for her to look for her next theater position.   Accordingly, she had put in her resignation back in early April and has been prepping for her sabbatical year with the kids.

With my change now, we're both free and untethered.  We don't own property.  We've been renting a great loft apartment in town.  We're nearly completely out of debt.  We're open to new adventure.

In fact, if we could make it work financially, we'd love nothing more than just to start off now and start traveling.  Teaching the kids history and geography as we make our way across the country/world.  Writing and videoing our travels.  Investing in our family and exploring this great creation.

And we're still planning for that to happen, perhaps a little later when Jude's a little older, but we're going to figure out how to make it work for a season.

Right now, I'm applying and looking for new opportunities.  And in the process, while I started with DFW and Austin, I've come to realize that there's no reason not to cast a broader net.  With where we've been brought to, I have to believe we may be being prepared for a bigger change.  And I'm okay with that.

I think of David and his path to the throne.  He's told he will be king of Israel when he is a child, but there is someone else seated on that throne.  David would spend fifteen years between his anointing and finally being crowned king of Judah, and another seven to become king of all Israel.  He would spend that time being persecuted and hunted by Saul, often living in caves and on the run.

And yet, through that experience, he could still pen:

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Not to tempt fate, but for a dose of perspective, if last week is the worst thing that happens to me, I'm truly blessed.  And should something worse occur, the Lord is still my Shepherd.

He is leading me into pastures that I know not.  New pastures, new paths, new opportunities.  There may even be new valleys.  But he is with me.  And he restores my soul.

I still have that pinch of fear about me.  Will anyone respond to the resume?  I haven't had to interview in over eleven years, will I present a good application?  Is there an opportunity out there for me that is full-time and stable?  Or am I going back to temporary contract/project based work?

Those kind of fears are always there if we give into them.  The questions just change.

Instead, I'm choosing to focus on the wide open possibility.

I'm ready for the new adventure.

When change is forced upon you, trust the Shepherd.