Jamie's Perspective - Part 1: My Life is a Puzzle

Y'all get a lot from me, so I thought you might appreciate Jamie's perspective on this period and the move.  Here's her part one:

"'This piece goes right there,' I hear Jude say several times throughout his puzzle making. This little dude loves his puzzles. He also doesn’t take too kindly to people putting a piece in the wrong place. He’s not rude, he just knows where they go. I can’t help but think about life in that way. It’s one gigantic puzzle and we don’t know how it’s supposed to look. We keep trying to jam the pieces to fit together the way we want them to, to make us more comfortable, to keep us close to family, to keep us safe from physical and emotional pain but there are some pieces that will bring these in our lives.

Before every school year I would do the Daniel fast to pray for the year ahead with my students, for the upcoming journey we’d take through the shows but this time it was a little different. This time I began to pray for Mitch. His job had become unbearable and it was affecting him in a way that was detrimental to his health and well being. To anyone who doesn’t know Mitch is about as loyal as they come. He stuck with this company in the hopes that changes would be made. I began to pray he’d look for a new job, one that he was excited about, passionate about. I wanted him to feel what I feel about my students, about the shows we get to perform and the family we become. As the prayers became more frequent and furious a change did occur, just not in the way I was hoping for or would have ever counted on. I began my journey into a dark place. The joy I once had in teaching was quickly fading. I was shot into depression. I didn’t want to get up in the mornings. I didn’t want to teach. I didn’t look forward to the musical. I didn’t want to be there. We as teachers all have moments when we want to give up, when things get tough but this was different. This hit me like a bolt of lighting. There was no external factor propelling me to feel this way. I loved my students. I had a supportive administration. There wasn’t anything I could point to to say this is why I feel the way I do. I got to a place where I knew this would be my last year to teach in Wills Point and I got mad.

'What the crap? I’m praying for Mitch’s job. His is the one that sucks. I’m trying to make a difference in kids lives. God, what are you doing to me?' I wrestled with this decision for months but the moment I surrendered to the fact this would be my last year here I had peace for the first time in months. Not only did I have peace but I also had excitement for the show that was approved for competition, for coming to my classes, for the privilege of just being alive. What started as the worst school year in the 11 years of my teaching was transformed into one of my favorites. Second semester pulled a 180. I was extremely proud of our OAP. I met such amazing parents who worked their butts off for the show. We took a journey that few ever take. The year ended with bittersweet goodbyes.

I didn’t know it at the time but God was orchestrating the ability for me to stay home with my kids. To invest in them. To start our homeschooling journey. I would’ve never thought this is where my story would lead. I don’t know if my public school teaching days are over. I don’t know how long our homeschool journey will last. All I know is I’ve got to be thankful for each season as it comes. There’s a great adventure out there and it’s only just beginning.

'This piece goes right here.'"

Mitchuation Update - Hoosiers

Now to the celebratory part.

In the previous update and request for prayers about the job search, I relayed how we were excited about three opportunities.  One in Austin as an eDiscovery Consultant Manager, one remote as an eDiscovery Project Manager, and one in Indianapolis as an in-house eDiscovery and Information Manager.

The interviews and discussions all went well, and over the last couple of weeks, our future finally started to come into shape.

If you had asked us to plot the trajectory of our lives, we were most excited about both the remote position and the one in Austin.  The remote position would allow us to pick somewhere in Dallas to live, included the potential for travel, and kept us relatively close to all family.  The Austin position had great benefits, would allow us to be closer to my family for a while, and would have been something squarely in my experience.  The position in Indianapolis was exciting, but also a little terrifying.  Beyond the distance, it is a bit outside my realm of experience.

I think you see where this is going.  Man makes plans, God laughs.

Slowly, His plan for us became clearer.  The position in Austin disappeared; the company decided to completely restructure and offered me a chance to start the process over for a position at a $30K pay cut.  Thank you, but no.

The remote position became consistently less stable.  It would be a greater leap of faith.

All the while, the position in Indianapolis kept progressing.  Through it all, the company treated me very well.  The people I met were incredible.  And the opportunity became too good to pass up.  I got an interview with the Vice President and General Counsel.  Was told that I was the top candidate.  Heard from the recruiter saying they desired to move forward.  All the while waited, somewhat impatiently to get an offer.

We got the offer last Friday.  It was better than I could have anticipated and will include some relocation assistance.  I accepted immediately.

So, starting March 9, I will be the new eDiscovery and Information Management Specialist for Cummins Inc.  Right now, we're going through the pre-employment paperwork and processing, and are getting the last bit of our stuff altogether in one place for the move.  Thankfully it's mostly all boxed already, so that's not going to be too big of an issue.

We've begun web research for houses, for churches, for locations and are really getting excited.  We're going to be Hoosiers.  The first time really that either one of us have lived out of the state of Texas for a considerable period of time.  A lot of new places to explore and visit.  An opportunity for me to connect to a bit of family heritage and see where my dad's dad was from.

It's really funny and humbling to think how we got here.  From Jamie becoming depressed and unsettled teaching the fall semester of 2018, reaching the point where she decided to take time off to homeschool Avalyn and Jude for a season.  From being fired last June.  Moving in with my in-laws.  From taking a spur of the moment side-trip to Indianapolis and Franklin, IN on our family road trip last July.  From living out of boxes for the past nine months.  From the temp job that picks up right after the road trip.  To the next temp job that starts immediately after that.  And so on and so forth.

Everything that was necessary to get us to the point where we were able and ready to just pickup, and go.  To go where He tells us to go.

We have seen His hand of provision in incredible ways through this period.  We have struggled with patience, with frustration, and with depression.  We have also been closer to family.  Enjoyed time together and a lot of flexibility to just pickup and go.

It's been an incredible journey so far and I can't wait to see what this new chapter brings.

To everyone that has prayed for us, laughed with us, cried with us through this season, thank you.  You are family and we will carry you with us no matter where we go.  We're looking to get a large place up there, so if you ever have the itch to travel north, come up and see us.  We'd love to have you.

We're going to try and cram as much as we can in these coming weeks, so we hope we get to catch up with as many of you as possible.  If we don't, please know that we love you, we'll miss you, and we look forward to seeing you again.

I will be continuing to write this blog, and hopefully on a more consistent basis as I continue to improve.  And will definitely keep updating you on the move, the new place, and on the life up there.

Stan Lee always closed his musings with the word "Excelsior!"  He claimed he saw it in old English material and liked it, so he started using it as a sign off.  He probably also saw it on some of the tunnels in New York as it is the official motto of the state of New York.  It translates to "ever upward" and I think sums up a good bit about this journey.  Let us run with endurance the race set before us, ever upward.

Excelsior!

Mitchuation Update - Prayer Request

A brief update this time and something I don't usually do on this platform.

I wanted to ask for your prayers for this upcoming week.  It's going to be a big week in our household.  One in which we could use traveling grace, wisdom, and discernment.

On the job front, I'm having continuing conversations with three opportunities.  One would be a generally remote position with some travel, with a company that I currently have a contract association.  One would be a consulting/review management position in Austin.  The last one is an in-house e-discovery director position in Indianapolis.

I've had a conversation with the remote position and will be having further talks with them in a couple of weeks.  On Wednesday, I have an interview in Austin.  On Thursday, I have an interview in Indianapolis.  So we're going to be making a flying trip to Austin Tuesday afternoon, have the interview in the morning on Wednesday, and then heading back to DFW airport to leave for Indianapolis.  Coming back home late Thursday.

Lots of miles, lots of prep work, lots of potential decisions.

For those of you readers that are of a religious nature, I would ask for prayers for safe travel for me and the family.  For the ability to present myself well in interviews.  For wisdom and discernment to be able to recognize if the opportunities will align with our goals for the future.

As always, I thank you for your readership, and thank you for the prayers in advance.  Will pass along another update when I have it.

Imposter Syndrome

"I'm not a writer.  I've been fooling myself and other people."

John Steinbeck

I can definitely relate.  And I think most of us can relate to the idea of fooling themselves and other people.  Feeling truly unqualified. 

If you want to know what can help exacerbate that feeling, look no further than the modern job search.

On average, 250 resumes are received for each corporate job opening.

More and more, in their initial pass, resumes are filtered through software that will exclude resumes that do not meet keyword requirements.  Meaning a person may never even look at your resume or cover letter.

The average HR manager spends less than seven seconds looking at the average resume.  But, they are scouring your online and social media presence. 

Only 2% of applicants actually get interviews.

This means, there will be jobs that you feel extremely qualified for, that exactly match your skillset, that you never, ever hear from.  And the jobs that you may interview for, you are keenly aware of the deficiencies in your skill set. 

All of this can feed into one's imposter syndrome.  "The persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own effort or skills."  In other words, the constant feeling that you are an imposter in the role and it is just a matter of time before everyone figures it out.

I know my search is starting to wear on me.  I've sent out over seventy-five applications, at least.  I've had discussions regarding around six, between recruiters and companies.  I've progressed through interviews with one.  I've had to discuss my deficiencies for positions that I really like; things I am sure I could learn and would look forward to learning, but not current practical skills that I have.  I've also had a couple of positions that I thought I was extremely qualified for that I never hear from.

In looking over the imposter syndrome, it can generally be broken in to five types.  The perfectionist (having to get it all right), the superwoman/man (needing to be able to do it all), the natural genius (needing it to come naturally to them, to get it on the first try), the soloist (having to do it on their own), and the expert (having to know it all).  It comes down to the internal expectations we place on ourselves compared to how we see everyone else.  The expectation that everyone else is just better than us, so we have to do more to keep up.  To be perfect, to be superhuman, to do it all yourself.   

Generally, I've fit into the natural genius type.  I know that was me through school.  Most things came easy to learn.  When they weren't easy, it was difficult to keep momentum to push through it.  Law school really presented the first challenge, it's where I got my first C's for a class grade.  And I cannot be prouder for following my Contracts professor's advice, in that it would be better to be the student who dug in and improved each quarter than to peak first and never push yourself.  Thankfully, I was able to break through those early C's and change how I studied and prepared, enabling me to get A's in the hardest classes at Baylor my last quarters.

Thankfully, with job applications, the motivation definitely remains.  It just makes the internal questions and doubts a little more amplified. Talking through them helps, as does realizing everyone feels this way at some point.  If not frequently.

"Not qualified is where he starts."

Jon Jorgenson

The imposter syndrome can extend far beyond our work or school though.  It can also extend to our spiritual lives.  We can feel extremely unqualified for any form of ministry that we are called to, from evangelism to service to children's ministry to missions.  

At its worst, this is what makes can make believers doubt salvation, feeling completely unworthy of love and saving, despite knowing that there is nothing they could do to deserve it.  To feel in a special class of people that are just too bad, too far gone.  Too wretched to receive what they feel others have and will.

I think this can acutely happen in the spiritual realm because only we know exactly how depraved we truly are.   We know what hides behind the mask.  "If you really knew me, you wouldn't want me."

It's a common thread you can also see in the Bible.

In Moses:

"But Moses said to the Lord, 'Oh my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.'"

Exodus 4:10

In Gideon:

"He responded, 'But sir, how can I deliver Israel?  My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.'"

Judges 6:15

In Jeremiah:

"Then I said, 'Ah, Lord God!  Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.'"

Jeremiah 1:6

In the woman at the well:

"The Samaritan woman said to him, 'How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?' (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans)."

John 4:9

That's the great thing, though.  God never leaves people at the state of feeling unqualified.  He is actively looking to use the unqualified.  The weak, the ineloquent, the young, the undesired.  What He calls people for, He qualifies them for.  He provides them the resources, the tools, the skills to accomplish the task.  He wants us to be dependent on Him, to be continually seeking Him.  He wants our weaknesses to be seen as His strengths.

Further, perhaps it is only from His vantage point that the touch points for our callings can be seen.  While Moses may not have been the most eloquent speaker, from hindsight we can see that he was the Hebrew with the best access to Pharaoh, having lived in his court.  The woman at the well would have the greatest impact on the community. 

It would be the same with our calling.  While we cannot see it at the time, God has a purpose for the call.  For His glory to shine.  For our pasts to be redeemed and purposeful.  For us to rely on Him.

I know in this waiting period whatever job is out there, I'm getting because of His provision, not my skill alone.  I'm getting because that is where He is leading us, not because I'm the most qualified.

And whatever it may be, He will be the one to qualify me.  He will be preparing me, guiding me, leading me.

As long as I'm willing to listen.

And as long as I can realize the imposter syndrome is false to begin with.  It depends on the feeling that everyone else doesn't suffer from it.

But we all do.  Even the best of us.

"...Some years ago, I was lucky enough invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things.  And I felt that at any moment they would realize that I didn't qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.

On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name.  And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, 'I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am i doing here?  They've made amazing things.  I just went where I was sent.'

And I said, 'Yes.  But you were the first man on the moon.  I think that counts for something.'

And I felt a bit better.  Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did.  Maybe there weren't any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for."

Neil Gaiman

The Mitchuation

For a while after law school, I moved in with my sister in Austin and slept on her couch while looking for document review positions and considering taking a few more science classes in order to sit for the patent bar.  After a while, a friend of hers inquired about the Mitch situation, but it came out Mitchuation.  The term has been used since to refer to the Mitch situation.

So, I thought I would pass along an update on the Mitchuation.  Where we are now and where we are going.

I am still going through the process of sending out resumes, applying to job postings, and going through interviews.  So far, there have been promising leads, but no firm offers.  It's been humbling to remember it has only been a little over a month.  To me that feels like it has been going on for a while, but as recruiters have reminded me, that is fairly short.

I am applying all over.  From outside Boston, to North Carolina, to Montgomery, Alabama, to a remote position that would be completely work from home.  It's exciting and terrifying to still not have a direction for where we are going next.

Which brings up the biggest change of late. We are moving out of our apartment in Wills Point and plan to be out by July 25.  This will be just a couple of days before Jamie's family road trip vacation and we are looking to clear out by then.  We want to save the expenses, we're using it as an excuse to cull through a lot of stuff that we've accumulated, and we're getting ready for the future move, wherever that may be.

After we're out, we're going to stay with family, likely alternating between mine and Jamie's, trying to enjoy as much time with them as we can, particularly if the move is farther off.  This will let us spend some time in Buna, Austin, and Winnsboro over the coming month, with Winnsboro more of a home base.

To that end, we are having a Moving Sale in our apartment at 124 N 4th St, #3 in Wills Point, Texas 75169, on Saturday, July 20, from around 8 am to 4 pm.  Jamie is already posting pictures on Facebook and Facebook Marketplace of things we're trying to find good homes for and that we do not want to take with us.

After that, we're trying to enlist help to finish loading the truck after church on Sunday, July 21.  We're upstairs, so any help needs to be able to carrying loads downstairs.  Plus there are a couple of particularly heavy pieces that we would especially appreciate some able-bodied help with.

A bit of chaos, but a pretty wonderful time as well.  We've been able to take some needed breaks, that I'll be sharing over the next couple of weeks.

I've also gotten the needed reminders and grounding that have kept me calm.  In preparing for the stewardship blog, Matthew 6:26 hit home.  "Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more valuable than they?"  

Are you not more valuable than they?  

I have to admit, there are a lot of times that I don't feel more valuable.  That it would be easy to wallow in self-doubt and delude myself into thinking that He does not have this under control.  To give into the worry of "how much longer," "how many more interviews," "am I really qualified?"

To give in to that worst fear of "what if?"

But He does have this under control.  He has a purpose for this season.  Whether to learn a lesson or to prepare us for something different, there is a point to this time.  Even if it is just to see how we handle it.

And He will take care of our needs.  Not our wants, not our wishes, because those can betray us.  But He will provide for our needs.   And there is great comfort and rest in that belief.

So, in all, the Mitchuation is the same but changing.

Isn't it always?

The Hardest Part

One week into the job search, one week post termination...

There are many things to actually enjoy about this time.  Getting to spend more time with Jamie and the kids.  Sleeping in.  Not spending two to three hours on the road every day.  Opportunities for lunch with friends.  More time to write.

Yes, it comes with the typical challenges you would expect and the general fear for the future, but it has been a bit of a break in some ways.

The hardest part of the transition, though, is the break of the routine.  The things that I developed just as a normal part of the day.  It could be a grind, but it brought things to look forward to.

The drive may have been grueling at times, but there were parts that were enjoyable.  The hour-plus gave me plenty of time to listen to long form podcasts.  To take in various interviews with creatives.

The position gave me an opportunity to have a routine on the computer.  I built a good rhythm with writing the blog and balancing everything.

Just getting out of the house on a regular basis.  Time alone with thoughts and inspiration.

The harder part here now is getting a little stir crazy.  Feeling a little cooped up, being constantly on.  We can and do get out of the house with the kids, to keep them from climbing the walls, but at times, everyone just needs their own break.

It's easier to manage now, and we have been.  Jamie takes the kids out of the house for a bit so I can focus.  I'll watch them in evenings for meetings that she has with friends and students.  It's still something I can see being a bigger issue as time goes on.

To everyone who commented regarding my attitude in how I'm approaching this, that's the trick right now.  It's easier to have that positive outlook now, especially since I was already planning an exit from the company.  I pray I can keep up that outlook as the weeks (or longer) go on.

Right now, it's just keeping that balance of time to apply and to search, as well as time just to invest in the family and to clear my head.  To use the opportunity that I have been given wisely.

Also, the focus is going to preparing for next week when Jamie will head out with her students for her yearly travel program trip.  That will be a series of posts in the future.

I thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers, and concerns and will keep you posted as things develop.

Onward and upward.  Hopefully.